Some new mother thoughts

A year ago, I would never have believed someone telling me that I'd be sitting in a recliner in my 10-week-old's nursery today, writing a blog post as she lays in her crib beside me, laughing and cooing and throwing her limbs in every direction. A year ago, I was a full time student and employee and a new wife in a new apartment. I had finally come around the the idea that one day -- in a decade or so -- I might like to become a mother, but I had this very real fear that I might never be ready. I remember thinking many times that it was such a huge responsibility to care for another soul, and I marveled that anyone had ever willingly chosen to do so. I also had the thought that I'd never be selfless enough to have children. I feared not having time to spend [note there was a pause in writing here in which I snuggled, nursed, changed, and attempted to do tummy time with a way-too-tired Ivory, which resulted in a screaming fit and getting wrapped up for a nap] doing the things I love, like going on spontaneous road trips with my husband, hanging out for endless hours at coffee shops, reading and writing. I had no idea what I really loved to do because I'd never done it.

A year ago, I also had no idea how it would feel the first time my daughter locked eyes with me and the whole world became background blur around us. I didn't know that in caring for another soul, I would realize again my desperate need for complete surrender to the will of God. I didn't know that the best kind of all nighter to pull would be a seemingly endless cycle of nursing and diaper changes and looking at the clock, thinking, "If I went to sleep now, I'd still get __ minutes of sleep." I didn't know how quickly those newborn days would come and go, yet in their duration, they would feel like an eternity. Standing beside that swaddled baby in all of her innocence, every stubborn opinion I had fought vigorously for was challenged; I looked at Felipe with tears in my eyes a few weeks ago and asked him how I could possibly react nonviolently to someone harming her, and he replied, "Prayer." There is something about having a child that has prompted my heart to pray like I've never done before. I am thankful that even though it wasn't in our plans to be here today, we are, and that's a beauty of this life. In the words of Forrest Gump's mama, "you never know what you're gonna get."

Going off topic a bit, I often see pictures of babies that say how many weeks or months old they and list the milestones they've reached since the last one. I wonder if it wouldn't be helpful to see pictures of parents like that. Since Ivory has started smiling back at us, perhaps a picture of me could say, "Smiles more often." Since she's started cooing, my picture could say, "Watches her words more carefully." Unfortunately, since she's been sleeping through the night, my picture might simply say, "Lazier." I hope that I never quit growing and learning with my baby... And it would appear that little miss is stirring, so I better get going and grab myself a bite to eat so I'm energized for play time.